This isn’t about grief. This is about what grief does to your future relationships.
This week my (new) husband is on a business trip in Ohio. When he arrived there were tornado alerts and the Mall across from his hotel was still dark from losing power earlier in the morning. I asked him what city he was in so I could look up the weather. He said he wouldn’t tell me because he didn’t want me to panic and worry.
FYI, I don’t panic about a tornado, earthquakes, hurricanes or even fires. What I panic about is when I’ve asked you to call me at 12 noon and you don’t call me. Three hours later, when I start to think about the fact you didn’t call, I imagine all the things that could have happened. That’s when I look at the weather, or the natural disasters, or accidents on the freeway you normally travel. I do it with kids too, though not as much with teenagers, when they don’t respond to my texts.
I do it because I went to the hospital one day with my husband and he was dead by the next week. I still can’t tell you why he died. Neglect by the hospital? They missed something? I don’t know. What I do know is that life is fleeting. You don’t know what your time here is. You don’t know how long you will have someone with you.
I made plans for a lifetime with Sam. I only got a handful of years and I still am not over it five years later. I don’t like me anymore. I want to go HOME. I want to retire and just sit in a garden. MY garden.
I’m tired of worrying.
I’m starting to see the value in a heaven where you just sit and play a harp all day. Sam hated that idea. But I understand it now.
Here’s one thing I’ve been doing to try and get myself back in some sort of -desire to be. Just BE. I do like this thing:
I made this of all recycled material. The doll is upcycled. I think she looks great! I love the phoenix saga… anyway. IT’s kinda like trying to recapture youth. I do like when they turn out great.
I’m going to start a kickstarter for the studio soon, but I’m still trying to plan it all out. Meanwhile, doing markets and stuff, struggling like a cat drowning with little hope of survival. I don’t know why I’m doing this, only that I feel prompted. It doesn’t make me feel any better most of the time, but I’m hoping one day it will…