I Don’t Know What To Tell You: Week 10

This isn’t about grief.  This is about what grief does to your future relationships.

ohioweatherThis week my (new) husband is on a business trip in Ohio.  When he arrived there were tornado alerts and the Mall across from his hotel was still dark from losing power earlier in the morning.  I asked him what city he was in so I could look up the weather.  He said he wouldn’t tell me because he didn’t want me to panic and worry.

FYI, I don’t panic about a tornado, earthquakes, hurricanes or even fires.  What I panic about is when I’ve asked you to call me at 12 noon and you don’t call me.  Three hours later, when I start to think about the fact you didn’t call, I imagine all the things that could have happened.  That’s when I look at the weather, or the natural disasters, or accidents on the freeway you normally travel.  I do it with kids too, though not as much with teenagers, when they don’t respond to my texts.

I do it because I went to the hospital one day with my husband and he was dead by the next week.  I still can’t tell you why he died.  Neglect by the hospital? They missed something? I don’t know.  What I do know is that life is fleeting.  You don’t know what your time here is.  You don’t know how long you will have someone with you.

I made plans for a lifetime with Sam.  I only got a handful of years and I still am not over it five years later.  I don’t like me anymore.  I want to go HOME.  I want to retire and just sit in a garden. MY garden.

I’m tired of worrying.

I’m starting to see the value in a heaven where you just sit and play a harp all day.  Sam hated that idea.  But I understand it now.

Here’s one thing I’ve been doing to try and get myself back in some sort of -desire to be.  Just BE.  I do like this thing:


I made this of all recycled material.  The doll is upcycled.   I think she looks great!  I love the phoenix saga… anyway.  IT’s kinda like trying to recapture youth.  I do like when they turn out great.

I’m going to start a kickstarter for the studio soon, but I’m still trying to plan it all out. Meanwhile, doing markets and stuff, struggling like a cat drowning with little hope of survival.  I don’t know why I’m doing this, only that I feel prompted.  It doesn’t make me feel any better most of the time, but I’m hoping one day it will…