I don’t know what to tell you; week 6

When I remarried, I desperately wanted pictures enough to fill the empty space left behind by my late husbands death. I was scared that this new life, the new love would be snatched away like my old one had been.

In addition, I thought that if I could fill picture frames and photo albums it would help make up for the memories I couldn’t stand to look back on because they had been taken from me and were now painful to view. All the picture frames I took off the wall needed to be replaced with new memories and new pictures. I knew that if time was short, my new husband would want the memories to look back on, to remember.

My new husband did not understand this and I couldn’t find a way to explain it to him. We didn’t have many wedding pictures. No professional pictures. When we finally did get a couple pictures, it was much later and I was angry about the delay. I was angry because, at the time, I still felt things can go wrong at any moment. I was angry he didn’t understand what it felt like to regret.

I didn’t have enough mementos to hold onto the time we had together. I didn’t know if there are enough. I constantly feel as if I am filling a bucket with a huge hole in the side. Everything is transient.  You can’t take it with you—BUT… what happens to you if you’re left behind?  There aren’t enough pictures.  You will always want more.

I know that doesn’t make sense to my new husband. To him, we have 40 years at least. But for me, a widow after only 5 years of marriage to my late husband, I know you can’t rely on your plans for the future to be long.

Sam and I had plans for a future. We even planned our afterlife together, roaming among the stars. He was my eternal companion, and that didn’t keep him with me here on earth.

I only had five years of those memories. Five years where I wish I took more videos and more pictures and wrote down more moments, though I did save many and were had the blog at adeafinthefamily.com. it wasn’t enough. I wanted to save every moment of special importance with my new husband because I knew I’d regret not having more if he passed away.

I know it was, or has been, tedious for my new husband to try to understand my need to try and capture every special moment. I’m glad he tries.

Being an empty nester only adds to the burden he must bear as I try to make sure not to miss beautiful moments. Things as simple as wildflowers on the freeway. Dew in spider webs as we walk together must be captured.

In the few years we had, he’s come to understand that I value our time together more than almost anything else on the planet. I love the walks and talking and just sitting in the same room with him. That’s because I know what it means to miss that.

I worry more that if I leave him behind, he will feel like I do. I want to fill and record the moments so he will feel no regrets when I return to my father in heaven. I would do anything to keep people, even strangers, from feeling what I did when Sam died.



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